Life Project

I'm a secretary now earning $70,000 a year
I'm single with a one baby boy
I live 37 miles from work
so my econ project is basically real life. minus the occupation and income... well minus the status. because i'll be a music teacher who will own a private music studio in years time. haha that's the plan anyway. i'll be doing something that will never ever fail and that's music. at least i'll be doing some business by owning a studio, but until then i'll be a music teacher to start out. as i was working on my life project, i realized i'm not so independent. Which tells me that I can't completely live on my own yet, as in I can't leave my parents. I see what my parents have to go through when they pay the bills and when they have to budget (especially when the economy is not going so well). now i understand why my mom tells me, "I have no money", when clearly she does. it's just that she doesn't want to spend so much on the unnecessaries or my wants. I wish i was more business-oriented. because econ is kind of confusing. I get so lost with all the technical terms and just business! I don't even know if i have the basics. hopefully i'll be smarter in college. i mean i'll need business for my career if i want to own a private studio. Well i'm just going to leave that up to God like i always have about my future let alone my career and what i want to do in life. He knows what i'm going to do 10 to 15 years from now. it's all mapped out and ready for me to take on. I thank God for putting in my heart what i'll be majoring in college and it's been the very thing that i've been doing almost my whole life. I've been praying for it since my sophmore year and now i know! but it doesn't end there because things change and hopefully those changes are for the good.

Life project due: friday!
so as much as possible, i shall not procrastinate my butt off.
good night

happy tuesday

So right now i shouldn't even be on here
it's pass my bedtime. yes 10:37pm is really late for me. actually it's really late for my parents. overprotective worry warts. well today was just too darn cold if you ask me. so yesterday was disneyland and today was cj morris. and performing in front of those kids made me go down memory lane. it made me think of those days when life was simple yet at the time hard. those times when everyone would say "EEEWWW" to the words 'marry' and 'kissing'. haha.

kids... so young. not that i'm saying im old or anything. ;] haha. but kids at that age. being innocent to the bad things of the world. building friendships. but my friendships in elementary school didn't last long for me because i was a different person 10 to 13 years ago compared to now. Thank God for that. I thank Him for change. wether i like them or not. it happens for the best. honestly, i'll always be a kid at heart and i'll keep my youth. and yet i'm growing up. there are things that i need to figure out and learn on my own. i look at other people's lives and i think to myself, "i want to live like that". but i'm reminded that i am my own person. i have my own path to take. new revelations to discover. i believe i'm on that path right now with high school coming to an end. i really need to stop being lazy. there's a period where i work really hard and then i get weary and don't feel like doing my best. i really dislike the routine. this bad habit. GAH! hopefully college will change that. or at least now. im trying to make senior year different from all the other years, so we'll see what happens on June.

so i finally have my christmas gift idea for mis amigos amy and robertson. and you want to know where i got the idea? from my school's newspaper 'hoofprint'. haha. it's within my budget! and it's easy yet creative. it's semi homemade. so im excited to get started on that soon before friday. it's brilliant and (for me) it's never been done before. im happy with it.

so it is now wednesday. and it's raining. my feet are cold. and i think i've already gained weight and it's not even Christmas day yet! - -x sad. on the bright side... friday is almost here and no more school for 2 weeks, yay!

I'm beginning to realize...

...my step father's situation. Just the reality of the whole thing. so he started dialysis (up until now i still don't know what it's really all about, and he always talks about the horrors of it) last friday and now: no more driving. it's sad because he does so much and it involves a lot of driving. and that means driving me places. driving my brother places. and now my mom is doing all the driving especially on sundays. you see, on sundays, we always have to pick up people and normally with 2 cars we can do that easily. but now with 1 car, it makes it a tad bit more difficult. this past weekend, my step dad still drove - -x when he's not suppose to. without having him to admit it, he wants to make himself more useful. he really doesn't like the fact of doing nothing. before, when he's not home, i always knew where he was... at work. now, i really don't know because i know he can't work as much as he used to. he's losing weight. he's kind of getting a bit moody. i can imagine trying to cope with it all. so he goes into dialysis 3 times a week. oh man. it's tough.

so something that was revealed to me today: once he's gone, my mom, brother, and I have to learn to go on with life and help each other. we mustn't be dependent. what with his limitations, we have to pull it together. God is slowly taking him away from us. and my mom kept saying to me that "I have to trust Him completely in everything". my step dad has done so much in this family and sometimes it's too much and i would take it for granted. and once he's gone... i'll be missing him and all that he's done. so we're learning to conform to this change... we're rearranging our schedule and routine. and then life will move on from there.

always take the time to appreciate your parents
especially when you really don't have a super awesome relationship with them
they work hard to put a roof over your head
they love you even though you think they don't
because once they're gone...

Chicken and Fries

:] yes
I finally ate a chicken sandwich at this place
and it's my first time





oh how i very much miss my sister:( it's been what seems like 2746897 years and she's growing up without me. it's sad. but im really looking forward to seeing her for christmas. yay:]]]] i wish i could see her more than just on holidays. so why san jose, dad? i miss her and the way she says my name. she couldn't say her r's before... well i don't know about now. maybe she'll get it right when i see her. she's going to be so smart like me. man is she lucky to have me. i've always wanted a big sister to show me the ropes because of course as the oldest i have to find out things on my own. it's really made me a stronger, more independent person. it's great. but tough. I was looking at a school that's pretty close to where my dad lives. but i shall see if i get accepted. if not, then i can just forget it. i already go early acceptance to the college of my choice. but i'm still open to the other colleges i applied to, to see if i get in. but most likely, im pretty much sold at APU. I'll see where God will take me. He's already laid out my plans and the path i should take. I've been praying for my future since freshman year and it's finally been answered. things might change but only because it's in His will.

So my dad isn't too happy with what I will major in college.
Music.
i know money will be an issue, but that shouldn't be the drive of what i'm going to do in life right? if i'm going to be a nurse, i would be doing for the money not because i want to save lives. i can't see myself in the hospital. i can't even take care of my dog! yeah i know there was no relevance to the point i'm trying to make. my dad laughs at me being a born-again christian. he kind of looks down on that. i know deep down that he's proud of me and what i have accomplished but somehow i feel that whatever i do is not enough for him. why is it so difficult for some dads to even acknowledge our achievements? i really don't hear a "good job" or "you did your best" or "i'm very proud of you" all the time. i wish i did. i might be exaggerating but really... both my dads... step dad too... are very passive when it comes to expressing the way they feel. am i just too american? what is it that makes them this way? at least my step dad is doing better. he and my mom are starting to respect the decisions i make especially about college. sure, they still make suggestions and comments here and there but all i can do is listen and digest. the parents i live with now are the best support they can be. and i pray that my dad will understand me better. im happy now that i'm communicating with my real dad better. im talking to him like im 17 and not 8. for all the times i would see him every weekend, i would be a little afraid to speak up for myself and tell it to him straight.

with kids of his own, it'll be like starting over again. maybe he'll be a better dad with his own son and daughter and realize what he did wrong 9 years ago. i really hope tres and julia get the love and compassion they really need when they go through those stages of growing up. i love them so much.

alrighty.
g'night.
God bless♥

Spotlight

So you finally had your day in the sun.
it's fantastic.
it's thrilling
it's exhilerating
you've wanted this since who knows when
seems like yesterday you thought to yourself
"man, when will that be me?"
all eyes on you
the attention is all on you
it's amazing
it's indescribable
it's what i wanted

I used to be the girl who no one would look twice at. there was nothing special about me. i was hiding. i always had tears. i was so very much insecure. i had great fear. i didn't want attention and i wasn't very good at small talk. i wasn't smart. and i lived in my own world. NOW, things are different and for once i miss those days where no one noticed me. i miss mediocrity. that's kind of funny to say. Because now i have expectations and a reputation to uphold. I'm starting to become the person i've always wanted to be. to be great. to be smart. to be me. i love it don't get me wrong. but now im in the light. where people know my name and my face. maybe it's because now i'm a senior and there are younger ones who look up to me. well in general, underclassmen always look up to the upperclassmen in some way shape or form whether they admit it or not. it's true. i feel now that i have a standard to set. im starting to feel that i really rule the school. ok not the school but i actually make a difference in whatever i do. people notice. at first, i really didn't like it. but now im learning to embrace whatever life throws at me. good or bad. it'll only make me stronger. it really feels good to be noticed and maybe even favored.

and now i have a duty to set an example for others that will better myself and my future.
Thank God.
He's answered my prayer.

I say a little prayer for you

Natalie Alejandra Burke
I wish there was a word for more than a friend but of course not in a lesbian way. A word that's somewhere in between. Sisters doesn't even cut it. I thank God for someone like her. Honestly I can't believe there's someone like her in this world. I really find it hard to believe there's a girl who's that smart and beautiful all in one. On top of that, she has so much love and she's still like any other teenage girl. Out of the 3 amigas, she has more freedom with her family; no restrictions; and yet she's still down to earth and grounded/rooted with her familia.

I say this now because after movie night at edwards cinema, my mother and i drove her home and my mom wanted to pray for her before she got out of the car. Knowing Nat, she can get a little emotional (of course not as emotional as I am:) I knew she felt touched. My mom has the biggest heart. She gives a bigger meaning to the word "mother". She genuinely cares for my best friend. Next to Jesus, my mom is truly my hero.

I believe in whatever she does in life, will always be the best.
With her faith and good heart, nothing can stop her.
And I'm blessed and happy to call her best friend.

I wish it was Sunday

haha at least there's only 3 days! ;]
there's something to be thankful for
speaking of "thankful", I'm going to start off a list of things, big or small, to be thankful for this year.

I'm thankful for waking up in the morning and knowing that I'm starting a new day.
I'm thankful for my parents for pushing me to do my best even though I get sick of it.
I'm thankful for my brother for being my inner child... he reminds me without having to say it to be a kid
I'm thankful for the house I live in
I'm thankful for my piano
I'm thankful for music
I'm thankful for food
I'm thankful for school
I'm thankful for friends
I'm thankful for calculus
I'm thankful for Rhapsody in Blue... it's really made me what I am today. I wouldn't be a choir nerd without it.
I'm thankful for the teachers who likes to talk before class begins
I'm thankful for people who make me smile/laugh... haha that's everyone because no matter who they are, they make me smile.
I'm thankful for church. ha without it i wouldn't be able to count my blessings and wouldn't be rooted in faith.
I'm thankful for life and just being alive and well. even when I'm at my worst, i wouldn't dare think about ending it just because I'm sad/angry/depressed/empty/whatnot. because when it comes to things like that it only lasts for a moment. ONE MOMENT. there are plenty of days where i find myself at my worst but think! I also have my greatest moments. after bad things... there are always good things in life! the trouble with me sometimes is that i can be a little pessimistic... well I'm changing that. I'm going to look on the brightside of things. if not, i would have too many bad days, haha if that makes any sense. Being in a good mood right now... makes me want to give back. I want to share my happiness and joy to everyone by doing what I can to help... to serve.. to be a better friend... anything that will please God. if I fail... then I fail but at least I didn't fail to please the One who gave me life. putting in the time and effort to do what needs to be done.... what I WANT to be done... that's what really matters the most. sometimes it's not the action but the heart of it.

I THANK GOD for Him in my life.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Everywhere I go, whether it's school or the mall or the supermarket, wherever, I find myself a little condescending to others. The reason why is that in my heart I know they don't fully understand how blessed and loved they are. I get upset and even hurt sometimes that they don't get it! There's more to life than what's around them. I wish they'd think a little. all I can do is pray. because I'm no superhuman...ha! I wish I could save a lot of lives and it may not be the whole world because that would be too much.

I'm coming off to be judgemental but who isn't? As much as possible: no bitterness or rebukeness towards others especially when they're my friends. but at the same time: no conformity to this world. so how can this be done? the answer if love. As Christians, we have to be slow to anger and quick to forgive. I understand that just because someone is christian doesn't mean they do all those things. that's where people start calling us hypocrites. that's only because they haven't fully matured in faith and in love... or maybe they just need to find themselves and dig a little deeper. This concept really needs to be reached: christianity is not about doing good things and not involving yourself in sin, it's about God. And because of Him, we want to live out our faith and do the good deeds. the good things we do come after... it's the effect, not the cause of our belief.

People might even shy away because they're "bad" people. ok I have to admit, I've done my share of what's considered "bad" and "unholy". I'm a sinner. no one is perfect but people have high expectations. There are people out there who are scared of God and don't want to be in the light because of guilt.

I've learned to admit my mistakes and move on and not dwell. for example, everytime I get a bad grade on a test or quiz... I get really mad/disappointed/discouraged. but you know what? I take it and just put more effort into it next time. I would be scared to admit my short comings because of other people making fun of me and embarassment. I was very insecure. That's why I took pride in the great things I did. To better myself and cover up the messups.

I am who I am.

I thank God for my life and everyone and I mean EVERYONE in it. I count my blessings and give all the glory back to Him. I thank Him for giving me the will power and understanding. I've witnessed things about myself that I thought would never happen and then I say, "wow". With his power and grace, I can do anything and everything.... I can do more that what I THINK I can do. isn't that amazing?

Reflection

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:1-4

When I first read these verses, it really hit me and since then I put them to practice. And now it's alive. It holds true in my heart. I thank God for His promises and for standing by them as well. He really makes me think how human I am. And that's what makes me love Him even more

So after spending some quality time in my room and reading some more Twilight, I was able to reflect and ponder the very same verses.

...encouragement from being united with Christ...
...comfort from His love...

...fellowship with the Spirit...

...tenderness and compassion...

...being like-minded...

...having the same love...

...being one in spirit and purpose...

...Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit...

...but in humility consider others better than yourselves...

...Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.

After breaking it down, it became so clear. This is REAL LIFE.

the key to applying this is love because without the heart to do so, it's not complete.

I take so much pride in certain things that I do and I have goals to fulfill.

But in truth, that's not what it's all about.

being able to humble myself and looking out for others is what matters more.

And it's because of God's love and compassion for me

I'll pass it on to others.

Thoughts that crossed my mind

The last time I was under depression was probably the end of junior year. I mean, this always happens every year, towards the end of the school year. I feel empty and that nothing can satisfy me. I held on to my faith of course but it wasn't genuine or sincere enough. Looking back at that time, I was being selfish and only wanting to fulfill my desire. it was all about me without even having to say it because i really didn't know it at the time. I was expecting something in return everytime i did a good deed or whatever it is. my heart wasn't big as it is now. I am His servant... all i can do is give as much as i can, because really it's all about Him. Generally the answer to everything is LOVE. how can you get out of depression or a situation that seems like hope is gone? LOVE. it really all comes down to it because GOD = LOVE. He is love. I know I'm young and haven't experienced the toughest of toughest times because I'm so sheltered, but I know what it's like to not feel loved... I know what it's like to feel cold... that feeling. although i haven't been there, I can see it through another person's eyes. I can put myself in their shoes. because honestly, no one has it worse than anyone else. each and every one of us has a different journey... we choose different paths... so what right do we have to compare one another? LIFE IS HARD. don't think that the rich and fortunate have it best because they might be suffering as much as you. you won't know that until you've actually experience it. that's where we shouldn't judge others.

As a Christian... as a believer... as a lover of Christ... all i can do is just be a friend. everyone needs a shoulder to cry on... there's always someone who needs to vent once in awhile... i know because I'm that person. There are people out there who lost the sight of friendship. whether if it's acquaintances or something stronger... it's still friendship... it's love.

When he is down you should help your brother
When it comes around you should help one another
Help build him up when he's down and out
(Ask what you can)
Do when you see he needs help from another
When it comes around we should help one another
Help build him up when he's down and out
That's what love's all about
-Stacie Orrico