Better late than never to write my first post of the new year! 
My two weeks being home in the states with my family was indeed way too short. But nonetheless, I am thankful to even have visited as I was expected to celebrate Christmas here in the Philippines with a friend and her family. 

It's been awhile since I last wrote in here and I would like that to change this year. 
it seems to be such a habit now but if I can make time for other social networks, I think I can come back here where I hope not so many people can read what I want to release here. 

It's about to get personal. 
As much as I want to say the good things and talk about the One who gave me life... I gotta be honest with myself before God. 

I saw that the more I distance myself from people, from my devotions with God, and more into my own needs and selfish wants, it most definitely becomes my own show. I stop looking to what God wants for me and instead leave me to my own thoughts, by myself to my own wants, what I need now. I can't do life alone, I know that. I like being alone but I use it to my disadvantage sometimes leaving Him out of the equation. I like to shut people out and rationalize it by saying they didn't really want my company. 

It's been difficult to have that balance. I'm here in this country for school... I can't really invest so much of my time to church. I'm in a season right now where my focus needs to be in education and the finish line is just oh so close! I have about 1 year left here and it's motivating me at this point. So it's apparent right now that I don't belong here. I belong where I am wanted and that is back where I was born and raised. But maybe I wasn't open enough to be of God's use? Maybe that's what I'm afraid of? That possibly maybe have found my future is in this country that bears my nationality. I have absolute no regrets being here for 4 years. I've met some of the best, worst and in between people that encourage me, left me with lessons and those that are just like me. I guess I can't decide by myself what I will do. 

The vision that has been recurring in my heart is music. I am certain that I will pursue it but once I reach that, it actually doesn't stop there. My pursuit for my love for music will keep going once I think I have reached that place of content. The way I see it, just like my relationship with God, at times, there are those cold seasons where I lose my passion. I seek detours when I know in my heart what exactly I want to do. And it's not nursing for the rest of my life however it's a stepping stone. I needed this for sure. Because I don't want to find myself at 30 years old realizing that I should have done nursing during my college days. I have met so many people in last several years with that regret. And who wants to still go to school, especially nursing at that age?? I wouldn't want that for myself. 

Which brings me to this:
if I can dream it, I best be believing in it!
and I've always been on the outside looking in. 
and I've yet to find my place, wherever that may be... I entrust God my life.

I won't force myself and fake that I am this godly woman who solely runs to God. I have failed so many times by doing that. For it is more than just a feeling. And I hope and pray so much that I would get out of that cycle of a loop. I want consistency with God. 

I guess this race goes on until the Lord calls me heavenward. 
This pursuit for God, for music... goes on for the rest of my life. 

That is what I will hold on to. 
I will not stop. 

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