My two weeks being home in the states with my family was indeed way too short. But nonetheless, I am thankful to even have visited as I was expected to celebrate Christmas here in the Philippines with a friend and her family.
It's been awhile since I last wrote in here and I would like that to change this year.
it seems to be such a habit now but if I can make time for other social networks, I think I can come back here where I hope not so many people can read what I want to release here.
It's about to get personal.
As much as I want to say the good things and talk about the One who gave me life... I gotta be honest with myself before God.
I saw that the more I distance myself from people, from my devotions with God, and more into my own needs and selfish wants, it most definitely becomes my own show. I stop looking to what God wants for me and instead leave me to my own thoughts, by myself to my own wants, what I need now. I can't do life alone, I know that. I like being alone but I use it to my disadvantage sometimes leaving Him out of the equation. I like to shut people out and rationalize it by saying they didn't really want my company.
It's been difficult to have that balance. I'm here in this country for school... I can't really invest so much of my time to church. I'm in a season right now where my focus needs to be in education and the finish line is just oh so close! I have about 1 year left here and it's motivating me at this point. So it's apparent right now that I don't belong here. I belong where I am wanted and that is back where I was born and raised. But maybe I wasn't open enough to be of God's use? Maybe that's what I'm afraid of? That possibly maybe have found my future is in this country that bears my nationality. I have absolute no regrets being here for 4 years. I've met some of the best, worst and in between people that encourage me, left me with lessons and those that are just like me. I guess I can't decide by myself what I will do.
The vision that has been recurring in my heart is music. I am certain that I will pursue it but once I reach that, it actually doesn't stop there. My pursuit for my love for music will keep going once I think I have reached that place of content. The way I see it, just like my relationship with God, at times, there are those cold seasons where I lose my passion. I seek detours when I know in my heart what exactly I want to do. And it's not nursing for the rest of my life however it's a stepping stone. I needed this for sure. Because I don't want to find myself at 30 years old realizing that I should have done nursing during my college days. I have met so many people in last several years with that regret. And who wants to still go to school, especially nursing at that age?? I wouldn't want that for myself.
Which brings me to this:
if I can dream it, I best be believing in it!
and I've always been on the outside looking in.
and I've yet to find my place, wherever that may be... I entrust God my life.
I won't force myself and fake that I am this godly woman who solely runs to God. I have failed so many times by doing that. For it is more than just a feeling. And I hope and pray so much that I would get out of that cycle of a loop. I want consistency with God.
I guess this race goes on until the Lord calls me heavenward.
This pursuit for God, for music... goes on for the rest of my life.
That is what I will hold on to.
I will not stop.